why I live

Today was supposed to be a swim day. But cloudless blue skies and 65 degrees begged me for a run, and I just couldn't say no. Part of that living in the moment type training that is good both for the body and the soul...

I try not to over-evaluate, and overanalyze, as a general rule. I accept that things go wrong, that I do and will f**k up royally, again and again, and not because I'm a bad person but because I'm a a person. And I accept that I am mortal, that there will be a time when I am in too much pain, or too sick, or too weak, to walk to my mailbox or to tie my own shoes. And I am not afraid.

Josh has worked with me, occasionally for me; and, I'm lucky to say has been my friend, for several years. He is younger than me.
He was diagnosed a few weeks ago with metastatic cancer.
He started vomiting one morning, came to the ED to get some phenergan and a bag of IV fluid, and we found a nasty invasive cancer eating away his organs.
23 years old...
Now chemotherapy and radiation therapy and operations...
I'm sure JB never thought in a million years he would be struggling to live, but he is. He will.

And it sure as hell makes me want to run just a little bit harder...
And it allows me to cry... And smile... And love and hope... And dream...
And to reach out to someone who needs me, and to open my soul when I realize I need her...
Because I am mortal... And I am not afraid.

And that's why I live...
Not breathe and eat and sleep, but live...
Live.