There are few scenarios I see in the ER which I find truly disgusting. I'm talking lose your lunch disgusting. Let me tell you about the worst one.
Now let this be your warning - if you are easily offended, or if your kids are reading this with you, don't read below this paragraph. Seriously.
Ok, so you've got a tough stomach? No, then come back Monday and read my next post - it will be gentler. Promise.
Now if you still are reading, don't say I didn't warn you.
The subject of this post is lost rectal foreign bodies that present to the ER.
Yea, I warned you...
So a few days ago a very nice, nice and sweet, middle age guy comes to see me.
"Sir, how can I help you tonight?"
"Doc, this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever done..."
Uhm, yea. I hope so.
He continued to tell me that he had been pleasuring himself with a jar of hair gel. No, not typos there. A jar of hair gel.
Ok, I think I missed that chapter in my 10th grade Teenage Sexuality textbook. Thank God.
So I take as much of a history as I can trying to put myself in the right mindset to examine this guy's problematic area. Finally, I pull one of my nurse's in the room so that my battle-story can be validated if need be, and I get to work.
First I probed enough to get an idea of the shape and size and location of this thing. Now hair gel containers come in many different sizes, and luckily this one was reasonably short. Short, but FAT. Way fat. As in the size of the big tub of Vaseline fat.
So, being the nice guy I am, I knock him out with a couple of potent injections, and I get busy trying to pull it out.
First with one finger. Uhm, not going to happen. 2 fingers. Nope. My right hand. Still can't get it. Both hands.
Now let's pause here for just a second and think about this guys. Both hands. All 10 fingers, up to about 2 inches on the wrist side of where your fingers connect with your hands. Feeling a little queasy right about now? Yea, me too.
I work at it for 15 or 20 minutes before realizing that I'm not delivering this baby myself. It had gotten stuck by the rectal vacuum phenomenon just above the curve of the tailbone.
So, after a couple of phone calls, he went off to the operating room for surgery.
Now this wasn't the first time I've dealt with rectal foreign bodies, and more times than not they end up in the OR. Over the years, I've extracted from the rectum cans of shaving cream, medicine bottles, packets of crack, vibrators, a razor blade and even a (dead) hamster.
So, 2 requests. Guys, ladies - don't do this to yourself. And if you for some ghastly reason decide that you need to experience this sensation, tie a string on it. Please. Pretty please... Your local ER doc will be much appreciative...
Thanks for reading My Daily Spin.