December 20, 2006

The Naked Shake

I need some help with this one - I think I have a locker room stalker....

I've been using the same gym for a couple of years now, and, for the most part, it serves my needs and supplies towels (what's with most gyms not doing this now, anyway??) without piping in too much JT (sorry Bolder).

There have been a few scary locker room moments, like the time I turned the corner to find a naked super-clydesdale - well, I say he was naked but in truth his pannus was so big it draped his maleness, so I guess he was kinda covered - standing dripping wet in the doorway of a stall staring at the john while he was brushing his teeth. Uhm, yea, still not sure what the hell he was doing, but the image haunts me to this day...

But lately this different guy keeps showing up in the locker room. Now the first time I encountered Hairy Dude, with ape-like fur head to toe that would ensure winter outdoor survival for a week even in IronJenny's neck of the woods, I was showering and he was showering and he apparently started talking to me.

I thought he was mumbling to himself and not to me, so I finished up and hurried away thinking this guy was kinda loony and I really didn't want to be standing around naked with him.

HD followed. As I was towelling off he saunters up and starts talking, and this time there is no doubt I'm the target. Ok, just a nice guy, kinda weird to start a random conversation with someone you don't know while you're naked in the shower, but hey - to each his own... And maybe I actually do know him and I don't remember - happens all the time, right? No big deal...

So I went on with my day, and all was well. Until a few days later, same scenario. In the shower... Naked... Alone... And then he walks in, and I immediately feel awkward. HD starts talking to me, and I reluctantly converse for a few seconds before hurrying away. I dress wet and get out of the locker room before he exits the shower. Getting a little alarmed now...

Then, Monday, I was gathering my stuff from my locker and about to dress when HD apparently exits the shower and walks straight to me, naked as a jay bird...

He asked me my name, thus confirming that my memory hadn't failed me and further confirming that this guy was nuts. We exchanged names, and he - gasp - extended his hand for the shake...

Ok, I had to stop this crap right there - I will not shake hands while naked, and I definitely will not shake hands while naked with another naked guy.

NO BODY CONTACT WHEN
NAKED IN THE MEN'S LOCKER ROOM!!

His hand dripping wet was extended, waiting for my reciprocal movement. I didn't know what to do; I felt like Ralphie with his broken glasses trying desperately to concoct a story to tell his mom so she wouldn't know that he really did shoot his eye out.

The moment seemed to last forever. I looked down at HD's hairy hand, and then looked to the side and then...

I did it... I had no choice. I feel ashamed, I feel violated. But I did it. I shook his hand. Naked... Two men... It just ain't right.

I think I might have to find a new gym...

5 comments:

LoneStarCrank said...

"Ye with junk showing shall not press any flesh, hand or otherwise, with another man while in same predicament."

New TriJack Law #101

Post it proudly at the gym and tell Hairy Dude to get a razor and a clue.

ironjenny said...

OMG - I am rolling on the floor over here... especially with the Ralphie-visual.
I once had a naked girl ask if she could borrow my deodorant, and unable to concoct a refusal while still in shock, I just told her it was a spare and she could keep it. Ewwwww! As if!!!!!
I want to see you write a set of locker room rules... you can start with lonestarcrank's.

Jenny

TriTimKC said...

That is too friggin funny! I'm sorry but I would have had to laugh and say "sorry dude but I'm not shaking your hand standing here naked" Hoping he'd laugh and not stab me in the parking lot! LOL!

Bike Chick said...

Funny. :D I think changing gyms is your only option. He's going to be your best friend now. Good luck.

TJ said...

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude! You should have never shaken HD's naked wet hairy hand. It's kinda like feeding a stray. You just can't do it!
There's this one guy at my gym who has no shame. He will throw one leg up on the sink counter and proceed to dry his....um.....twig and berries...with a hair drier. I was once brushing my teeth when he did it and I almost hurled right on the spot. From that moment on, I have left with unbrushed teeth if he is in the locker room.